Dramamine Queen

Right now as I type this the fiance is at home coating the living room with a second coat of primer. If we can agree on a paint colour(fingers crossed) we will be painting it this weekend! Hooray! It only took two years! Two years of horrid beige carpet and beige walls! I dislike beige with a passion it is not for me at all. I want a blue colour, he seems drawn to greyish greens although he likes the blues too so it should be easy enough to agree on something.

As of this Friday at 5pm I am on a mini vacation. Five straight days off of work! I’ll just be sticking around the city but not having to hit snooze or even set an alarm will make me the happiest girl on the block! I haven’t even really figured out what I’m going to be doing yet, probably house stuff but oh I can take a break and sit in the sun or eat some ice cream or do some yoga or take a nap! Oh naps! I can hardly wait!

Theres been baby talk around our house. Seems that almost all of our married friends are having babies. The one other couple that can still drink with us is still on the fence. Were not on the fence, were just trying to figure out when to start trying. Like most men the fiance believes that we will basically give it one go and a baby will be made. I’ve tried to tell him that we just don’t know.  I come from a long line of fertile ladies, the kind of women who joke about getting pregnant just by thinking about it.  So if I base myself on them then chances are I will be up the duff(I’m not even sure how this is pregnant slang but it is in England even though it makes no sense to me!) within seconds. Half of me is excited by the thought and the other half thinks about how I haven’t been to Paris or Belgium or Holland yet. Even though I know that I can bring a child to all of these places and still enjoy them it’s just I might want to know what they are like without a child ie: I want to drink wine and beer and stay up all night etc.

I should have been an orthodontist.
That is what I thought today as I sat in a dental chair and listened to the orthodontist say things to his assistant while making me open and close my mouth while he touched my teeth.
Having someone touch your teeth so much is very weird.

After he was done fondling my bicuspids he and I chatted about cost and how long it would take and about breaking my jaw.

6300 would be the maximum amount spent total.

I should have been an orthodontist.

Of course if I get my jaw broken so it can be realigned, it’s asymmetrical right now, that would cost another 2 grand or so..but that’s only if I want to have it realigned.

If I went for the jaw realignment my total braces time would be 2 years if I decided against it then I’d probably get them off in a year and a half. 

Having your jaw broken is pretty hardcore though. You can’t eat solid foods for about 6 weeks and lose a crazy amount of weight…so at least there is a plus side.

I’m definitely having them done there’s no question about it. I’m going to go to a few other consults and see if the price varies. 

If my parents would have got them for me when I originally wanted them it would have only cost 2 grand and I would have only had to have them for a year. My dad’s insurance paid for most of it.  Instead my mom told me that I couldn’t have them, my teeth would fix themselves as saving  a grand for braces for her daughter was not as important as making sure she never ran out of weed or had a closet full of designer pant suits.  Another parenting gold star for her!

Does spam work? Seriously I would LOVE to meet someone who got spam and thought “Wow this speaks directly to me and I shall buy into this.” not that people think like that but you know what I mean. It seems that every time I sign in theres a spam comment. Most of the time it’s something rather generic “I like this, it is well written, you should write more about this subject”  Really gorege2038w@itweioh.com? I didn’t realise you cared.

Lately I’ve gotten several that say something about escorts or mail order brides or something, thing is it’s not very effective marketing because I am not really sure what they are selling. Yes I get that there might be sexy ladies in Kiev, seriouly it’s ALWAYS Kiev. The only Kiev I happen to be familiar with is the chicken kind which I happen to think is delish.

It must work right? I mean someone, somewhere has bought cheap prescription drugs or a wife from a random email right? They must have because we all keep getting spam so at some level it must be an effective marketing tool.  I understand how it works so I suppose if one out of however many(hundred?thousand?) buy into it and buy what y our spam is selling, which I’m assuming means they give you their credit card number and you max it out…cos really does anyone sent real items through spam? So the ratio must be worth it right? Or else the spammers would stop.

Right?

I’ve been wondering about this issue……

My birthday was awesome. Well it was awesome until I passed out and then made the cab pull over so I could throw up. Up until then it was perfect!

The fiance, the dog and the cat all got me gifts. The dog and the cat got my a weed whacker, I’m not sure how they bought it seeing as they are lazy and don’t have jobs and even if they did have money they don’t have pockets. I suspect they used the internet and a stolen credit card. The fiance got me a bottle of fancy white wine and a book about gardening and a gift certificate for a garden centre I like. It was a very garden centric birthday which I loved. 

We went to a wedding that day. It was a small lovely affair at a restaurant. She wore  Chanel shift dress and gold Louboutin heels and looked absolutely stunning as always. Her dress and shoes cost the same amount as my whole wedding budget! We ate good food and drank good wine which apparently I had too much of although I didn’t think so at the time. It probably didn’t help that for the last two hours of the reception I ate the equivilent of a whole cake. Ok most of it was just icing. I ate a lot of icing.

I also stole some salt and pepper shakers. I have this funny little habit of taking things from restaurants. Usually it is a special beer glass or something like that. But this time for some reason right before we left I was alone in the dining room and I looked around and just put a salt in my one pocket and a pepper in the other. Yes I know this is theft. I am bad. Honestly I have no clue what I’m going to do when we go to France and Belgium. I suspect I will need a bigger bag and some bubble wrap!

It’s funny my little restaurant magpie ways because I have never stolen anything outside of a restaurant. Ok once when I was 5 I took some green beans from the farmers market and put them in my skirt pockets but when my parents saw me eat one they made me go back and return them, oh how I cried.  Also when I was 15 or so I very obviously took a bag of jujubes and put them in my hoodie pocket, but the clerk at the gas station was a friend and basically told me to just take them with a nod and smile.

So I’ve only ever taken food items. Interesting. I wonder what this says about me.

Sunday I was only slightly hung over. I drank lots of water and fought through it. We took the dog out for a 3 hour walk and ate some really good fries and discussed how were now flexitarians. See when we met we were both vegetarians. I occasionally ate birds on holidays but the fiance was strict veg. Then one day he started eating fish and my occasional poultry fix became a weekly one. Then I started eating bacon on the sly and the fiance decided to have turkey on Thanksgiving and then just this past March we both ate a piece of fillet Mignon that we cooked for the dog to celebrate her tenth birthday. It was a slippery slope covered in deliciousness and we gladly slid down it. We have made a little pact that we would only eat organic, free range local meats and well if we were at a restaurant and something sounded amazing that would be fine too. We certainly aren’t about to become a meat and potatoes family and we haven’t actually had beef yet but surely once we get our new bbq there will be a steak on there before we know it.

A random list of things I am going to do this year..

1. Pick out the flooring I want and push for it. Hint: I want a light wood the fiance wants chocolate brown wood, I have one word about that “Dust.”
2. Make more art. Water colours, acrylics, lino-block prints. I must still have some talent in there somewhere.
3. Lose at least 10lbs, preferably 30 in a healthy way ie: gym it and eat better.
4. Get my hair cut every 6 weeks instead of months.
5. Go for more long walks with the dog especially while it’s warm out!
6. Take more baths just to unwind and relax. This will require some candles and luxury bubble bath.
7. Put together inspiration boards for the various rooms in the house. Light and airy, cottage cozy, modern, unique, eccentric and fun are all things I want my home to be…now how to mesh them.
8. Have a bbq party. Give every one a custom beer holder.
9. Stand my ground for what I truly want. See number 1.
10. Buy more shoes(feet don’t lose sizes!)
11. Get new glasses since they are covered!
12. Go horse back riding.
13. Write more. Apparently I’ve got a book up there, at least that’s what everyone is telling me.
14. Try not to let my mother drive me so mental.
15. Keep a private journal.
16. Stop picking at my skin.
17. Bake more.
18. Start cellaring some wine instead of just drinking it!
19. Wear more dresses.
20. Tell my friends I love them more.
21. Remove all the awful 80’s wall paper in the kitchen.
22. Make a nice yellow gingham cafe curtain for the kitchen.
23. Save more money.
24. Get more sleep.
25. Go to more galleries.
26. Take some day trips.
27. Eat a pound of cherries in one sitting.
28. Sew more. I used to sew my own clothes and had the best cords based on a 70’s pattern.
29. Improve my flexibility through yoga.
30. Host a real dinner party with recipes from my 50’s Cordon Bleu cook book.
31. Take a pottery class or at least go to that paint your own ceramics place.
32. Be happier. Because this is it.

Thirty two…we love you.*

Happy birthday to me!

*When I was in grade school there was an older boy who always wore a shirt with the number 32 on it. We all had a crush on him and used to chant “32 we love you” while marching around the school yard.

I always get squirrelly around my birthday. I think it all goes back to when I was 5. This is when my mother thought a giant surprise party would be a good idea. Thing is I didn’t know it was my birthday that day or around that day, heck I didn’t even know it was June! As far as I was concerned it wasn’t winter and that was good enough for me. My dad and I had gone to the park, we ran around and flew a kite. I still remember the kite, we got it at the corner store across the street from our apartment. It was white plastic and has two giant black and yellow eye stickers. It was sort of creepy but incredibly cool. It was my first kite. I don’t know how long we were gone, at that age you really have no sense of time, you wake up and have your day an then the next day you do the same.

When we finally went back to our apartment I was happy it was a good day, sunny, fun, all the things a good day was. We got to apartment 1105, first apartment to the left when you got off the elevators. I opened the door and ran in to tell my mom about the kite.

“SURPRISE!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!”

All of my relatives were there and they were all jumping out from behind things and shouting very loudly. I was a rather quiet child and all this shouting at me was not exactly my cup of tea. I burst into tears, ran behind my mother and hid. I was incredibly scared of it all. I still rank it high on the list (number 2 maybe) of things that happened that still make me anxious to think about. I can still after all these years still visualise it so clearly.

I have since then had anxiety issues around my birthday.

I try. Oh how I try. Up until last year I have tried to throw amazing parties that have always ended up letting me down because I’ve spent a full month building them up in my head until they resemble something much closer to Noel Cowards party in the song I Went to A Marvelous Party. When I turned 13 I threw myself an “Over the Hill” party, I thought it was hilarious but apparently it was too high brow for the guests who most likely thought I was just poor and reusing someones birthday stuff. Another year I hand wrote every single person I knew a personalised invitation. In the invitation I included the guest list, this was done so that everyone could start talking about how great it was going to be. This giant boy girl birthday party of mine. Everyone came. Crowded into my living room and stood there not knowing what to do. I started playing records(we didn’t own a cd player yet as they still cost a million trillion dollars!) this is when I found out that the other 6th graders did not like The Police or Billie Holiday. I’m just lucky I didn’t play them Kiss,kiss,kiss by Yoko Ono, which I listened to every day after school. Luckily someone had a mixed tape and we played that. At the end of the night I burst into tears and up the road somewhere someone was playing “It’s my party”.  For my 25th I decorated my whole house in white and pink, it took me two days to do. Unfortunately it was also unseasonably hot that night and my apartment didn’t have a/c. We sweltered.

Every year I have bought myself a new outfit for the party. Some years I got a complete makeover. One year I wore tight red jeans with black stiletto ankle boots and a drapey cowl neck top. Another year found me in a green brocade sarong with a burgandy top that had an attached rose coloured floral embroidered obi belt. My last birthday I bought a beautiful light blue silk dress with lavender silk flats with jewels on the toe. That was the year my friends announced their divorce the day before.

So although my birthday always seems to involve incredible outfits they never seem to bring me much joy. Only anxiety and dread which I try to bury with a lot of retail therapy.

I think I might be depressed.

I’m not sure. It’s not for lack of knowing the symptoms. I have battled various states of depression since I was about 13.  I didn’t get treatment until I was in my 20’s. You can imagine how fun my teenage years were! I was on antidepressants for several years but went off them a while back and have only had a couple of short bouts. I always say that I will go back on medication if symptoms last more than 2 weeks. They have yet to stick around that long.

This time I feel different. I’m not a ball of despair, I’m not on the verge of tears at any given moment. I’m just completely indifferent. To everything. I feel like I’m on automatic, like some cloned version of myself that only feels bits of joy on the weekend with her hands stuck in the soil or a bottle of wine in front of me, preferably both.  The week leaves me in a fog of whatever. One of the reasons I want to call off the wedding was because I wasn’t feeling anything towards it. A bride to be should be happy. Right? She should be something.

It could be because my birthday is this Saturday. Do I get this way every year? I think I might. A psychological battle with the hands of time I suppose. Another year of events have come and gone. Let’s celebrate with cake! I’ll be 32 this week and I still breakout. I still don’t feel like an adult. I still feel like I’m waiting for something magical to happen, something to confirm that I am an incredibly special human being. It doesn’t even have to be magical just validating I suppose. Something that confirms that all these feelings are because I am different, I am great, I am someone that will be remembered. It’s a terrifying feeling, knowing that people that loved you once no longer do, that they might not even ever think about that time they kissed you the last time they saw you or the time you jokingly stole their car and drove it around the parking lot. So many moments worth remembering are forgot.

How do I get a job where I dig in dirt all day long?

At one point yesterday I laid down on the lawn with my eyes closed, one hand clutching the grass and the other burrowed under the earth of my garden bed. I inhaled deeply and opened my eyes to a perfectly blue sky.

“Can I paint a room this colour?” I thought.

I laid there for an obscene amount of time and it was beyond perfection. Everything I felt was a capsule of pure happiness.

This morning I got up early to go get an ECG. I saw an ultrasound of my heart which was very cool. Now though the crook of my arm is stuck together because of the medical tape residue, it’s pretty hot.

On the Saturday I ate a bacon donut. It was as good as it sounds.

I’m trying to type. I’m trying to write anything of any importance but I cannot. Instead I want to go in and yell at the fiance. I want to tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a spoiled brat. Today he has been in a mood.

Sometimes he does things and all I can think is “What the hell is wrong with you?”  Today I made lunch and when it was done he was still working on his motorbike and I said “Why don’t you just leave it and come in and eat?” because this is what a normal, rational person does. Takes a break. Instead I ended up putting his lunch in the fridge and going out. Who knows when he finally ate. Later he accidentally broke a glass, when he did so he took the paper bag full of paper and threw it into the living room in frustration or anger. It wasn’t like the glass was fine china it was one of the fifty or so random glasses that we have amassed. I went out to a friends bridal dinner and he was suppose to be with the rest of the guys and we were going to meet up with them after.

Instead because the other two men decided to hang out elsewhere he threw a temper tantrum and stayed home. His main gripe seems to be that HE SPENT TWO HOURS CLEANING THE HOUSE! Which I know is complete bullshit. Even if our house was full of mud it is so small it wouldn’t take two hours to clean! As well I had just spent last Saturday cleaining every nook and crany of the house while he cleaned the areas no one sees like the basement.

Of course he just could not handle this change of events and instead of going out and celebrating a friends birthday he stayed in and pouted.

His behaviour today would be expected from an over tired preschooler maybe. But a 38 year old man? Totally not acceptable. And I told him.

I told him his reaction to the glass breaking was not acceptable, that people change plans it’s not a big deal you just go with the flow. It’s not like they were concrete plans! It was a “hey lets meet up” sort of thing not a dinner party or any sort of thing that he spent money putting together. The only thing he is out of is a messy house.

Do men have PMS or something similar?

Walking to the subway after the gym last night I found 60 dollars on the ground. Well really there was 100 dollars but my friend I was walking with picked up 40 of it. Five twenty dollar bills just laying there on the sidewalk.  Weirdly enough the couple who was walking in front of us had just passed these same bills and had directed our attention to them. When we started freaking out and grabbing them they turned around and laughed and smiled at us. Were these incredibly kind strangers? Had they heard us just moments before griping about not having money? Decided just to throw 100 dollars on the ground? We both looked like poor students(except for the fact that we’re 10 years older than most students!) with backpacks and gym clothes on.  If not then why didn’t they pick it up? Were they germaphobes? Thought they were fake and that’s why they were laughing and smiling at us picking them up?  Who knows!

I thanked and blessed whoever needed to be and stuffed the bills into my wallet.  Someone somewhere is amazing..or cursing their crappy luck about losing 100 dollars.

So I have made a list of all the things I could use the money for:

• More flowers for the garden.
• Shoes.
• A desperately needed hair cut.
• Lottery tickets.
• Dinner out.
• An expensive bottle of wine.
• Groceries.
• A mani and pedi.(also desperately needed)
• Next months bus pass.
• Paint.
• Put it in my savings account.
• A jaunty hat.

Ok maybe not a jaunty hat, I look horrid in hats. In fact my over-sized skull rarely fits into hats that I do like so I think I can strike that off the list. I will probably end up spending it on french fries and coffee, not at the same time mind you that would be a weird combo.