Dramamine Queen

Well my parents came over on the weekend.
To tell them I put my due date 10.4.10 in a frame and wrapped it up in Christmas paper.
I told them it was a present I had forgotten to bring them over the holidays and handed it to my mom. Who then took about ten years opening it. She stopped and told a story about some guy they know and I kept looking at my sister and she was like “MOM JUST RIP THE PAPER OFF!!!” and eventually she did.
“Oh what a nice frame! Now we have something to put a wedding photo in!”
Oh this was going to take a while.
So I go “Theres already a photo in it.” and she stares at it and says “Oh it’s your wedding date?”
“Noooooo. It’s ten, four, ten.” and she just keeps looking at it and my sister and I are wondering if we actually came from this woman. Who for some reason thinks that we got married last year in the future. I suddenly see that my dad gets it and were all talking really slowly to my mom trying to get her to figure it out on her own. Finally Jonathan goes “How many months away is that? Is it about eight months?” seriously it was painful.
Finally she gets it and literally bursts into tears “Oh my god are you pregnant?” for a fleeting moment I thought of saying that I wasn’t and that we were actually moving out of the country on that date but I supressed the urge.
Barely.

I told her how I was meeting my midwife this week and how I was planning a home birth.
She said something about how she was great with midwives because that is what her mom used and I told her right then and there that she was not invited. I knew I would have to tell her eventually and really the quicker the better. Even though I know she will still lie to everyone and tell them I she is attending. There is no way in hades that she is going to be near me when I give birth. She drove me crazy when my sister was in labour, my sister had me basically push my mom out of the room on several occassions or block her from meddling. My sister wanted to kill her. My mom wouldn’t listen to my sister and refused to believe that she wanted her to leave. It was incredibly frustrating to deal with.

I don’t even plan on calling them when I do go into labour because my mom joked that they would just sit outside in the car. Except I doubt she was joking.

I realise I sound like an uber bitch. An ungrateful brat whose mom just wants to be there for her. I do love my mother but she spent too many years trying to be the cool friend and any mother daughter bond that we might have had when I was little was warped by her need to prove she was young and cool and could party. Iam not calmed or soothed by her and really she does not do well in certain situations and child birth would be one of those. So she’s not invited. End of discussion.