Dramamine Queen

I knew that I pregnancy would unleash some hormones on me and last week while I teared up over coffee chain commercials I thought to myself  “Oh I am so hormonal.” 

I was wrong. So, so wrong.

At nine and a half weeks I lost the plot. I started bawling uncontrollably and have stopped briefly to go to work(HA! Who am I kidding I bawled at work.). The hurricane seemed to be called fear and it has been whipping me around inside it like a rag doll since.

It started simply by the the thought of how it has just been Jonathan and I for ten years. A decade of our lives spent together doing our own thing, only responsible for a dog and a cat. Our yearly trek to Montreal, our late nights listening to records and having drinks, our weekends lying in bed snuggling and falling in and out of sleep. Us as a duo. It is all going. The fear makes me doubt if I am truly ready for that.

What if my mother was right? What if children do ruin my life? What if I regret and resent our child for taking away something I loved? What if I am just not ready? I have not yet seen Paris. I have not done so many things. What if I become my mother? I am so afraid that I am making the biggest mistake.

I know how that sounds. Like I am a horrible evil person. I have always wanted children. I have spent the last 9 years knowing that I would have them with Jonathan, that I want them with Jonathan. We came up with names we talked about it. This was not something we decided on a whim. Now though, there is a large olive sized baby growing inside me and the hormones are drowning me in so much doubt.

I am so afraid. Afraid that these feelings will stay forever. Afraid that if I hold all of this in it will eat me alive because it hurts so much but I have to purge it because I am afraid that if I say it out loud it will become true.